xoxoANP!

Back when I had a zine, I’d devote a page or two to romance advice by Dr. Love.

Well, now she really is Dr. Love, and I trotted my fat ass to the front of the line to ask one of Yale’s 50 Most Beautiful People (– it just occurred to me that the other suitee of mine that was one of the 50 is also the only other suitee that is married … discuss! –) the question that has plagued my brain since learning about quadratic equations:

Doth he like me? Thircle one: Yeth / No / Maybe

You know, on behalf of my readers and all, since I am above such earthly concerns.

As soon as I saw her reply, I put the seven people on the other end of the Polycom on mute, told everyone in the conference room to zip it, and feasted my eyes upon the text, slightly edited so as to protect the guilty:

I have two pieces of advice:

1. Make sure your love interest shares your interests and values. Opposites do not attract - after the novelty has worn off, they repel. There is real social psychological data to back this up… If he spends his free time smoking pot and going to parties while you are busy with school, work, and extracurriculars … it won’t work out. If he spends his free time playing football, joining secret societies, and fucking other girls … it won’t work out.
2. Make sure your love interest is totally smitten with you. Does he call or text you just to say hi? Does he ask you out on dates, or do you usually arrange that? Does he bring you cards, flowers, books, music, food? Does he make you dinner? If he’s not the romantic type, does he offer to fix your toaster, leaky faucet, or do your tax returns? If you can’t remember the last time (or anytime) he did something thoughtful for you outside the bedroom, you should dump him ASAP and move on. (PS - You should also do thoughtful things for him).

Sooo, if you guys share interests and values, and he is sweet and thoughtful towards you, you should just tell him that you’re really into him and you want to be exclusive. If he says that he is not ready for that, dump him and move on. Never waste your time waiting for a man to be ready. ANP, I know you think you’re not girly, but you are. You’re hot and amazing.

Well, of course, Dr. Love got a little carried away at the end and assumed that my academic inquiry was about me, personally (ahem).

And, just because guys do things like text apropos nothing, fix plumbing, make you dinner, or bring you music doesn’t mean they like you like you. Or women, for that matter. They could simply be projecting.

And I’m also not sure it’s necessary to:

1. Shared interests and values, check
2. Everyone’s really thoughtful, check
3. Now we gotta be boyfriend & girlfriend

I mean, jeez, the older I get, my head be so level I be carryin’ jugs o’ water on it and shit.

Uhhhh, but seriously, life gets busy and I rather like the thing I’ve carved out for myself (Footnote: Conundrum; see also: what’s up in the head of the single New York woman).

Anyhoo naturally I had an additional follow up for Dr. Love that had to do with the feedback I get rather consistently from my guy friends: that no guy will ever come up to me in a bar (which is true; the last time this happened was in Berlin, September 2005, and he was an international recruiter for the NBA there on business and I was one of the few speakers-of-English).

Men go to bars to hang out with friends and/or get laid, not to meet the girl of their dreams. I would guess you don’t get hit-on at bars because you do not look like an easy mark - you look like a woman who could easily make a drunk 30-something male look like a fool. I don’t think this is a bad thing. If you want men to shamelessly flirt with you, I would round up one or two girlfriends and hit the working-class pubs/bars. Working-class guys (and young professionals who hang out with working-class guys) are much more shameless, not so obsessed with looking cool and aloof, AND I’m sure would be blown away by your exotic looks. I have never been approached in a trendy bar, but I’m always approached when I go to dives, sports bars, or working class pubs. Just make sure the girls go together and leave together.

Normally places like that make me feel deeply unwhite, but if Dr. Love has written me the Rx, then maybe I’d be down.

Um, I mean, my readers would be down.

Because none of this information is for me, you see.

I’m a giver like that.