Does anyone know where I can buy some purty gloves for my man-hands?
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I want them trim (no bulky beefy man stuff), long (two inches past my wrist), and appropriate for wearing as I fondle my leather-wrapped stick shift and steering wheel.
And in fun colors (lipstick red, bright purple, fluorescent pink) would be ideal.
Sank you.
Yes, it’s the Onion. And, as I learned ten years ago when I got off the Amtrak to stretch my legs in Minot, ND and saw a copy for the very first time, the Onion is satire. But this one’s still funny:
Area Man Accidentally Responds to Own Craigslist ‘M4M’ Ad
“He lives right in my neighborhood, he’s a professional, and he loves to work out—he sounds sexy.”
Good thing I bid adieu to online dating, particularly of the Craigslist variety. Cuz dag.
Portrait by Yian Huang
I sink I sound pooty sexy too.
Stop fighting against things you can’t fix. Accept things as they are and smile.
O, horoscope. They may say you’re an abstract noun, all inanimate and shit. But I think I can take you.
BY THAIGRR
(Translation by ANP)
GOAL: SHOW WHITE PEEP OR ASIAN WOMAN NOT SUBMIT. ARE SO, MUST NOT DISLESPECT OWNER. DANA. DANA WHITE. SO, CHARRENGE.
(My goal was to illustrate to white people that Asian women are not necessarily submissive. However, this was a delicate balancing act as the owner, Dana, is white. Hence, my conundrum.)
FULST MATCH, AGAINST, BALE A CUDA. VELLY SMARR. ARE SO, NOT WANT MAKE GULL ROOZ FACE. SO SMARR. COME UP TO MY BLESSEDS.
(My first match was against The Barracuda. She was very short, and I felt bad making such a small girl lose face. She was only as tall as my pectoral area.)
SO, RET GULL WIN. GET NEXT TIME. NOT DIFFICURT.
(So, I let her win in an act of grace. But I’ll get her next time. It won’t be difficult.)
SECOND MATCH, ANGLY. WHITE MAN RYE, TEAR ME NINJA ASIAN. I JOIN PAN ASIAN ARRIANCE OF DOOM. ZEN I SEE, NINJA, NOT ASIAN. ROOK WHITE. MAYBE MIX RATINA. NOT KNOW. SO GLUDGE MATCH.
(By my second match, I was angry. A white man lied to me, and told me that the wrestler that he managed was Asian. Against my better judgment, I trusted this white man and joined his Pan-Asian Alliance of Doom. Then, during her match, her Ninja mask is removed and I discover that she is not, in fact, Asian. She’s either white, or perhaps mixed Latina. I’m not sure, but I do know that it was important that she and I have a grudge match.)
RATINA MUST EAT FOOD MAKE BIG. LEAD BEANS. LICE. I ARE SO ROOZ. NOT MATTER. STLATEGY.
(Due to the superior body mass index of the Sorta Rican, perhaps driven by a different diet including staples such as red beans and rice, I also lose this match. But this doesn’t concern me. Strategically, it’s important to have your opposition underestimate your abilities.)
DULLING ERIMINATION LOUND, I LESSER SCHOOR GULL, RIKE RORITA. LEVENGE, AS SHE CHEAT OFF MY MASS HOMEWULK. I TLY TO KICK X Y Z AXIS. NOT WORK.
(I wrestled The School Girl during the elimination round, hoping to avenge the disrespect she showed me by cheating off of my math homework. However, my attempts to kick her XYZ axis were unsuccessful.)
NEXT TIME: MOLE STUDY. MOLE RAT PURRDOWN. MOLE LUNNING STAILS IN FOLT GLEENE PALK.
(In anticipation of the next competition (2/11), I will study, do some lat pulldowns, and increase the frequency of running stairs in Fort Greene Park.)
SANK YOU VELLY MUCH. PUHREEZ COME LESSER NEXT TIME. GO HEAL MOLE INFO. MOLE ASIAN. COME JOIN TEAM. DOMINATE!
(Thank you very much. Please come wrestle next time. And if you are Asian, please join my team, so that we can dominate!)
NOW MUST GO, FLENCH TV STATION, CHANNER 2, JUST ALIVE FOR INTELVIEW AT BANK, GLATEST COMPANY IN WORD.
(I must go now, as French TV station channel 2 has just arrived for my interview at The Bank, the greatest company in the world.)
Previously: Jello wrestling re-cap
There’re so many things to say that there is nothing to say. I do want to alert my readers that a new contributor will be joining Chez xoxoANP! soon: Thaigrr. An amateur Jello wrestler whose appellation, unbeknownst to him, was coined by none other than Florida-based director / film editor Bradley P.Q. Bryan, I felt it important to allow Thaigrr a forum in which to share her experiences unmediated to the public.
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February 11th we take this thing a bit further west to a larger venue. Stay tuned for more info.
And, since she’s bit modest and not so agile with the keyboard, I will say that Thaigrr’s first foray into the world of Jello wrestling was met with:
All you ladies need to seriously, seriously consider joining next time. (Unless you are a Leo; I’d hate to see you with a mussed coiff.) It’s crazy fun: part sport, part theatre, and 100% kick ass.
Previously:
Tonight I implore you to join me in watching the best-est television show ever, the Ashton Kutcher spawn “Beauty & The Geek.” (Moment of silent love for Ashton Hot-Ass Kutcher, please.) While watching, try and guess which native Montana geek my dear Friendster with the hottest ass-et in Billyburg may have scooted her gorgeous lips towards.
I kinda wish they had a show where the women were the geeks. But until then, I have crazy love for this show.
Tomorrow (Thursday) the fine folks of the .com formerly known as Blink are assembling to toast the sale of BlinkPro, the best bookmarking slash potential artificial intelligence engine ever. After which perhaps I’ll catch Freedom Writers with a bucket of Kleenex in my lap.
Which reminds me. Memorandum to New York Stock Exchange:
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Saturday I was considering heading over to SinE to check out all this shoegaze lurfe effective 8:30 p.m. Anyone want to join? Relay, Daylight’s For The Birds, and Mahogany all seem like my speed (circa 1993 - 1997, but whatevs).
Sunday, after I attempt to add some marketing value to homeboy Mossm’s baby, I. Wrestle. Jello. Props to Priscilla for her good luck vibes:
Not only can she write, but I hear that homegirl is starting to jello wrestle. Hello! Is this mic on? I’m telling you that this modelesque biracial brainy chick is going to voluntarily wrestle in some jello. Too freaking cool. Anyway, I would wish for her the championship belt of jello wrestling. If there is one.
I would love to have some supporters in the audience, because after having tried on my wrestling outfit I know that there will be little to no support for my heaving, well-proportioned, full bosom.
Time to consider making some chicken snarf a bowl of Greek yogurt with honey before settling my sit bones into my Poang for sixty minutes of televised briss.
My monthly shark-bite mopefest was in full swing flow last night, but self pity brought to a screeching halt when I happened upon an article about women’s jello wrasslin’ on the LES.
Oh yes. Count me in.
Mark your 2007 calendars. Sunday, January 14th, 8 p.m., Arlene’s, 95 Stanton between Allen & Ludlow. (More info.)
Thank god the Sharxxx basketball season starts tomorrow night. Time to train, baby.
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I need an outfit.