xoxoANP!

Former colleague Tikaro recently blogged his plea for a merciless milking trainer:

The Pennsylvania Farm Show is a big, big event, and, if you were going to be doing something difficult and unfamiliar in front of a big crowd — if you were going to be up on stage doing a mysterious activity, competing against local meteorologists, football stars, and assorted ringers, you would want some serious training. Rocky IV-style training. With a wooden stool, a bucket, and steaming breath…

I know what some of you piglets are thinking. “Why, ANP; you have so many buddies that claim to be excellent manipulators-of-teats! Tikaro’s in luck!”

But some of you know better. When it comes to mammalian mammaries

(mammarian mammalies?)

I’m going straight to my old man, a 4H Soil Judging State Champion.

His advice?

1. You know how to gesticulate to an “OK” sign, right? Do it now with your right hand.
2. Visualize making that OK as far “up” the teat (haha) as possible. Your thumb and first finger (they are forming the OK circle) should be against the udder (again, haha) with the remaining digits hanging loose.
3. Realize that since the teat is engorged with milk, if you were to gently tighten the OK circle (and thus seal the teat’s milk away from the udder) you could expel the milk by gently (yet firmly) tightening your remaining three fingers (unless you’ve suffered a tragic accident) sequentially from top to bottom around the bottom of the teat.
4. Loosen the OK circle to allow the teat to refill with milk from the udder
5. Tighten (gently) the circle
6. Sequentially tighten last three fingers to “express” the milk
7. Repeat steps 4,5,6 until the teat does not refill with milk from the udder (because that portion of the udder is empty - duh)
8. Select another teat (your choice)
9. Repeat steps 4,5,6,7,8 until the udder is completely empty (bovines have 4 main teats and a very small 5th … let’s leave number 5 to the experts. By the way, emptying number 5 is called “stripping”. Thought you’d like to know.)
10. If by now you think you’re queen of the Ozarks, go for the two handed pull! That’s right, one teat per hand. Old bossie will think she died and went to heaven!

Caveat: Not the time to be nervous or “amped” up. Gentle is the word of the day or:

1. She’ll crush your left foot by stepping on it
2. She’ll knock your left eye out with her tail (which is most likely covered with excrement anyway)
3. She’ll kick the b-jesus out of you! And remember her eyes are on the side of her head - she is watching the sh@# out of you even if she doesn’t turn her head!

Oh - don’t forget to have fun!

p.s. You can get tuberculosis from raw milk.

udder: \XXXXXXX/
teats: UU UU
milk: | | | |

What, no “ha ha” after the word engorged?