BY THAIGRR

(Translation by ANP)

GOAL: SHOW WHITE PEEP OR ASIAN WOMAN NOT SUBMIT. ARE SO, MUST NOT DISLESPECT OWNER. DANA. DANA WHITE. SO, CHARRENGE.

(My goal was to illustrate to white people that Asian women are not necessarily submissive. However, this was a delicate balancing act as the owner, Dana, is white. Hence, my conundrum.)

FULST MATCH, AGAINST, BALE A CUDA. VELLY SMARR. ARE SO, NOT WANT MAKE GULL ROOZ FACE. SO SMARR. COME UP TO MY BLESSEDS.

(My first match was against The Barracuda. She was very short, and I felt bad making such a small girl lose face. She was only as tall as my pectoral area.)

SO, RET GULL WIN. GET NEXT TIME. NOT DIFFICURT.

(So, I let her win in an act of grace. But I’ll get her next time. It won’t be difficult.)

SECOND MATCH, ANGLY. WHITE MAN RYE, TEAR ME NINJA ASIAN. I JOIN PAN ASIAN ARRIANCE OF DOOM. ZEN I SEE, NINJA, NOT ASIAN. ROOK WHITE. MAYBE MIX RATINA. NOT KNOW. SO GLUDGE MATCH.

(By my second match, I was angry. A white man lied to me, and told me that the wrestler that he managed was Asian. Against my better judgment, I trusted this white man and joined his Pan-Asian Alliance of Doom. Then, during her match, her Ninja mask is removed and I discover that she is not, in fact, Asian. She’s either white, or perhaps mixed Latina. I’m not sure, but I do know that it was important that she and I have a grudge match.)

RATINA MUST EAT FOOD MAKE BIG. LEAD BEANS. LICE. I ARE SO ROOZ. NOT MATTER. STLATEGY.

(Due to the superior body mass index of the Sorta Rican, perhaps driven by a different diet including staples such as red beans and rice, I also lose this match. But this doesn’t concern me. Strategically, it’s important to have your opposition underestimate your abilities.)

DULLING ERIMINATION LOUND, I LESSER SCHOOR GULL, RIKE RORITA. LEVENGE, AS SHE CHEAT OFF MY MASS HOMEWULK. I TLY TO KICK X Y Z AXIS. NOT WORK.

(I wrestled The School Girl during the elimination round, hoping to avenge the disrespect she showed me by cheating off of my math homework. However, my attempts to kick her XYZ axis were unsuccessful.)

NEXT TIME: MOLE STUDY. MOLE RAT PURRDOWN. MOLE LUNNING STAILS IN FOLT GLEENE PALK.

(In anticipation of the next competition (2/11), I will study, do some lat pulldowns, and increase the frequency of running stairs in Fort Greene Park.)

SANK YOU VELLY MUCH. PUHREEZ COME LESSER NEXT TIME. GO HEAL MOLE INFO. MOLE ASIAN. COME JOIN TEAM. DOMINATE!

(Thank you very much. Please come wrestle next time. And if you are Asian, please join my team, so that we can dominate!)

NOW MUST GO, FLENCH TV STATION, CHANNER 2, JUST ALIVE FOR INTELVIEW AT BANK, GLATEST COMPANY IN WORD.

(I must go now, as French TV station channel 2 has just arrived for my interview at The Bank, the greatest company in the world.)

Previously: Jello wrestling re-cap